


Carlos

by Kenzie_Kennity



Series: Max Dennis and the Island of Misfit Saints [4]
Category: Saints Row
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 19:00:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6532321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kenzie_Kennity/pseuds/Kenzie_Kennity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Then there was Carlos. The boy who wanted to be a gangster so bad. The boy with the sad eyes that made you want to protect him and love him like he was your own brother. He’d had his problems, sure, but Max didn’t mind that. He was young, he was learning and he was proving himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carlos

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Back again with another one. I just want to say that while these don't follow a set timeline, they are almost always post SR3. Again, any feedback would be welcome.

Johnny was important, that much was obvious. He would always hold a special place in the ranks of the Saints. In life, he’d been a psychopath. In death, he’d been a legend. That eased Max’s mind, just a little. But he wasn’t the only one who mattered. All of their fallen Saints mattered. She may not have known their names, but she cared that they were lost. 

It bothered her to lose people, like it would bother any leader. But none of the lower ranking deaths hurt. It may sound cold, but she didn’t lose sleep over someone named Ashley who got gunned down in a fight against the cops. Derick being run over didn’t fill her dreams. Very few deaths impacted the way she lived her life. 

First, there was her grandfather. Died of natural causes when she was ten and it changed her. She was young, yes, but she was old enough to feel it and understand it. She regularly remembers the pain she felt at his funeral. Regularly wishes she could hear his voice one more time, his thick accent making some of his words sound funny but she loved it. It had made her feel safe, made her feel welcomed. That feeling slowly faded when he died. 

People don’t realize it, but when Lin died, it fucked with Max’s mind. Because she’d been new still, learning her way around the gang world. Lin had felt like family to her and maybe that had been the first mistake. She got attached too quickly. From the time she met her to the time she died, it hadn’t been very long. Still, Lin had been that sister that was always wanted. So her death, it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad but Max had to buck up and push forward. Had to do what was needed, because her work wasn’t done. 

Then there was Carlos. The boy who wanted to be a gangster so bad. The boy with the sad eyes that made you want to protect him and love him like he was your own brother. He’d had his problems, sure, but Max didn’t mind that. He was young, he was learning and he was proving himself. It only took a couple weeks for her to realize he’d just wanted to be accepted and loved. That she was a hero to him instead of a villain. And maybe that’s what sucked her all the way in. Knowing that someone looked up to her. And it wasn’t even that he wanted to go on killing sprees or any of that. She had strength, she was fearless and she was confident. All the things she could tell he wanted but hadn’t reached. Max had been so sure he’d get there. Under her guidance, he would go from a scared little thing to a man to be feared and respected. She would help him. 

Carlos Mendoza  
1981 – 2007   
Brother. Friend. Soldier. 

She never got the chance. And he was young, so young, and he didn’t deserve to go out like that. He deserved to die a warrior’s death, like she was sure he wanted. Instead he got a mercy killing, the trigger being pulled by herself. 

It’s strange to her, because of all the guns she’s fired, all the people she’s shot and killed, his is the one that wakes her up at night. His face being scraped off and him being to the point of unrecognizable kept her up for days at a time. Even now, with the death of Johnny still fresh in her mind Carlos always got her. The guilt and the rage that bubbled up and morphed into a giant bubble inside of her chest that made her want to go and kill somebody for him. Made her want to hurt everyone who may have looked at him wrong before he died. 

But she couldn’t. All she could do was visit his grave whenever she was back home and talk to him a little. Rain or shine, every time she set foot in Stilwater, she would visit his grave or die trying. He deserved that from her at the very least. He deserved that respect because his death was the result of a war she started. 

“Gettin’ a little dirty, aren’t ya?” she knelt and rested the flowers on the ground, lining them up with his name and tossing the bits of trash away. She couldn’t stand to see trash around it, it felt disrespectful. She stared at his name, not for the first time and probably not for the last before she ran her hand over the letters gently. “You should have never gotten mixed up with us.” She whispered, swallowing and ignoring the burning in her eyes. She stood up, stuffing her hands into the pocket of her coat and blew out a breath. She stood there for a few minutes, allowing the silence and peace to wash over her. It gave her a chance to imagine he was in a better place. She could live with that. 

Finally, she crossed herself out of habit and said a small prayer for his soul. She didn’t pray much and never for herself, but she always prayed for the fallen. Those who meant anything to her anyway. She turned, keeping her head down and moving past Shaundi who was visiting another grave not far from where she was. 

“Ready to go already?” Shaundi asked standing and frowning. She wasn’t done but knew it would be pointless to argue with the boss. 

“Actually, I’m gonna hang back for a bit.” She tossed the car keys and tried to hide her impressed look when Shaundi caught them without hesitation. “You can go back to home base. I’ll get back.” She said. 

“Wait, why? Boss, don’t tell me you’re gonna go and menace the town.” Shaundi looked completely done with Max’s antics and the other woman could only laugh. 

“No, nothin’ like that. I’m just homesick is all. Gonna roam around for a bit. Promise not to get into any trouble without you.” She winked as she walked off. She already had a place in mind, a route she would never forget for as long as she lived. With a sigh, she made her way toward the docks.

\--

Shaundi didn’t really believe the boss but she had no reason to lie. Still, something about her whole demeanor put her off. IT was almost as if she was hiding something and if there was one thing Shaundi hated, it was secrets from people she considered family. Even with the feeling in her gut, she turned back to Johnny’s grave and stood silently. She never knew what to do at a grave and honestly she was always uncomfortable. But she had to come here from time to time, for herself. To heal or maybe just to remind herself that life was short. Either way, she showed up whenever time allowed and spent time there with him, silently hoping that he was in a better place if such a thing even existed. 

She’s not sure how long she stood there but the sky began to change and as she glanced up, she could see the storm clouds rolling in. With a final look, she made her way to the safety of the car and sat there for a few minutes. She had a choice right now. She could go home, get some work done and listen to Pierce bitch about one thing or another or she could drive around until she found the boss. It was an easy enough choice to make; find the boss and take her home. 

It felt like hours, going through the side streets and back roads she wasn’t used to anymore. Passing by many of the stores and clubs. Some new, some old. It always amazed her how quickly things seemed to crop up here, but she liked it. It was good business. She’s stopped in several of the old hideouts and cribs, finding nothing more than clueless Saints who hadn’t even known they were in town. It was frustrating, but she couldn’t fault them. They didn’t worry about the boss unless something was needed. Made it pretty easy for the woman to slip by unnoticed. 

Finally, she turned onto a street and saw the woman standing there, soaking wet from the falling rain and staring at the ground. She was on a street corner, ignoring the people who walked around her and it seemed like she was almost catatonic. That worried Shaundi. Hell, anything outside of what she was used to from the woman worried her. She pulled up closer, rolling the window down and leaning over the middle console. 

“Hey! Get in before you get sick!” Boss blinked hard, like she was just coming back from another place and maybe she was. Because she didn’t question it. She just spared a final glance at the ground before sliding into the car and riding silently to the closest crib. The entire way there, Shaundi kept glancing over, hoping that the other woman would say something but instead she was met with silence as she glanced out the windows. She hadn’t even said anything when they reached the garage and Shaundi had asked if she was okay. Just a sad nod before exiting the car. 

\--

After a much needed hot shower, Max exited the master bath and almost jumped out of her skin when she saw Shaundi sitting on the bed with her legs crossed. She immediately held her towel to her chest even though she was fully covered by a robe. 

“Scare the shit outta me much?” It was the first thing she’d said since the graveyard but Shaundi still managed to look both bothered and unimpressed. 

“Ready to talk?” Max eyed her for a few minutes before shaking her head. “Fair enough. Get something on, I’m gonna go downstairs and check for alcohol. We’re getting wasted.”

“Oh honey you know I don’t drink much. But you go round of some of the Saints and have a fun night.” Max said moving to the closet and examining the clothes carefully. She was pretty sure she could still fit what was left. 

“May not drink much but you do drink. Besides, I’ve already sent the Saints to another crib. Just you and me so either I’m drinkin’ alone or you’re gonna have at least one with me.” She sighed, opening the pack of underwear that was on the shelf and quickly pulling them on before letting the robe drop. She figured Shaundi wouldn’t freak out as long as she didn’t see anything so she kept her back to her. 

“Fine. One.” She threw over her shoulder. “And don’t give me five ounces of vodka and one ounce of gin and call it gin and juice.” She said scowling to herself. Shaundi just chuckled a little before things got quiet and she assumed she’d left. A quick glance over her shoulder confirmed it. With a heavy sigh, she grabbed a bra and went about getting dressed. 

\--

The female form had never been a problem for Shaundi. Women were beautiful, there was no way around it. Hell, she’d slept with her fair share in college. Usually when she was high and horny for anyone willing. She stopped and shuddered a little. She hated thinking of how she was. She lived with the regret of not being a different girl back then but she would get over it. Eventually. Because now she was a woman. 

And she still had no problem with the female form. Sure, the women she’d slept with were in the past and she didn’t feel anything for them, not really. There were a couple that she’d been physically attracted too but that was over after they’d fucked. Use ‘em and throw ‘em away had basically been her motto. College was when you were supposed to let loose. So she had. But she hadn’t really looked at women in that capacity since then. She knew plenty of attractive women both within and outside of the Saints. She would even go so far as to call them friends and none of them had done anything for her. 

In the beginning, she could openly admit to someone not connected to the Saints, she found the boss sexy on some level. Not in the way that makes you want to hop all over a person until you’re both breathless, but in a way that was beyond pleasing to her eyes and did make her wonder. She never voiced it because she was pretty sure the boss had been straight, despite all of her butch tendencies. She knew stereotypes got you nowhere, even then. She didn’t want to cause a problem when things were still so new. 

Since then, she’d pretty much pushed it away. And then Johnny happened and she couldn’t even begin to think about something like that. Their best friend was gone, what kind of person would even consider something like that. She’d even put the brakes on her show for a bit, just until she could get her mind right. Because she was older and mature and she wasn’t looking for a one night stand, no matter how attractive. She was looking for something deeper, something meaningful. None of those things seemed like the boss. 

But God help her, the woman was appealing to the eye. Not conventionally, but she definitely wasn’t ugly. From her dark skin tone, to the way she wore her hair and those muscles. Those had always been a weakness if Shaundi was honest. She loved muscles, she loved the visible kind. That she could see and feel and their boss had them. The woman was always in tank tops when they were in HQ so Shaundi knew it for a fact. Those biceps and forearms. Incredibly masculine and somehow feminine enough to suit their boss. In passing, she’d looked. Appreciated even. She’d never wondered what had been under it outside of the many tattoos. 

Not until a few minutes ago when that robe had dropped and she got a look at her back and shoulders. Now that that was something that had given her a pause. If for no other reason than to appreciate the sight before her for a few extra minutes. A few years ago, she would have tried to sleep with her. Now, she knew she had to appreciate it from a distance. She didn’t want to be used again, not as a sex toy and definitely not by Boss. That would hurt more than any of the others, because they were friends. 

“Oh, you added juice to the vodka. Look at you steppin’ it up.” Boss’s voice caught her attention and she smiled in response to the dopey grin on the other woman’s face. 

“What can I say? I spend every day learnin’ something new.” She said lightly. The boss hopped up onto one of the barstools and grabbed what she hoped was her glass. She took a sip and blinked hard. 

“Tryin’ to make sure I feel it in my chest, huh?” Shaundi smiled proudly. Her drink making skills, in her opinion, were top notch. Sure to put hair on the chest of even the girliest of girls. 

“Yep.” She chirped. They sat silently, drinking and enjoying the quiet. Shaundi realized that they didn’t get this chance often, to just have complete silence. No thumping bass, no fighting. Just the quiet and she was fine with that. 

\--

Max appreciated Shaundi’s company. Because it seemed like the woman understood the need for a break, a real break. She didn’t feel as uncomfortable with her as she did with most people. Not like she needed to fill the silence with interesting stories or wild adventures. She could sit, gather her thoughts and talk if she wanted to. But she didn’t feel obligated. That made it easier. 

“That was where it happened.” She said finally. Shaundi blinked and looked at her with a frown. “That street where you found me. That’s where….I found Carlos there.” She added. She couldn’t say it, not yet. She couldn’t voice that she’d killed him. It hurt. Understanding dawned on Shaundi’s face. 

“…oh.” Max nodded and stared into her cup. “Are you okay?” she asked. Max scoffed a little. 

“Of course I am.” She said with a grin. Shaundi’s expression remained neutral. 

“You know, you don’t have to lie to me. If you’re not, that’s cool.” She said carefully. Max glared at the other woman. Who the fuck did she think she was dealing with? “Even badasses have days when they’re not okay. Not like I’m gonna tell anyone.” Just as quick as anger had flared in her chest, it went away. She sighed, rubbing the side of her face thoughtfully. 

“Of course I’m not.” She admitted. She slide her cup between her hands, watching the liquid and being careful not to spill any. “I did what needed to be done but that don’t stop that feelin’ in the pit of your stomach. Like you’re gonna throw up but someone has such a tight grip on you that you can’t?” she tried to explain. Shaundi nodded.

“You feel guilty.” Max nodded. “For which part?”

That gave Max a pause. “All of it.” She whispered. “I mean, this all started because of how much he looked up to a criminal. Got himself stabbed just to break me outta prison. Joined the Saints, all of that shit. There was so much hero worship comin’ outta him and I loved it. Every fuckin’ second.” She clinched her jaw and glared at the counter top. “Shoulda sent his short ass packin’ the moment my feet touched ground.” She grumbled. 

“Okay hold up.” Shaundi raised a hand. “Carlos was a grown fucking man. You’ve got to stop seeing him as a little kid you led astray. Jesus, he was your age!” she shook her head. She couldn’t believe this but at the same time she could. 

“I know that but it just…” she trailed off and shook her head. There was no way Shaundi could understand. She was responsible for him, they were family to her. “If I had taken the deal he wouldn’t have been fucked up. We woulda been good.”

“So what? Taking a deal with Maero would’ve kept him alive? Like somebody else wouldn’t have gotten to him for some reason?” she asked. Max was quiet for a few long minutes, thinking it over. Yeah, Carlos would have gotten it either way. Someone would have bucked back against him just for being a Saint. But maybe he would have died in a better way. Not being hitched up and dragged around like he was nothing. 

“I’m bein’ stupid, huh?” she asked finally. She shook her head, sliding the rest of her drink away and resting her arms on the counter. She dropped her head to rest on her arms and took a deep breath, trying yet again to ignore the stinging behind her eyes. She cared about him, but she couldn’t cry for him. She didn’t want to cry for him. 

“No.” Shaundi said softly. That gave Max a pause before she blew out a shaky breath. She wouldn’t cry, not in front of Shaundi, not because of this. 

\--

Shaundi watched her boss for any subtle movements. Anyone who completely trusted the woman to not kill them had to be crazy. She was so obviously unhinged that if you said the wrong thing, you could be gone. But right here, that wasn’t who she was. Right now, she was a guilt ridden woman who’d done and seen things that no one should be proud of. Sometimes she enjoyed those things, other times she didn’t. 

No, Shaundi wasn’t seeing the leader of the Saints. She was seeing a human woman trying not to become overwhelmed. She wasn’t sure why, but she reached over hesitantly. Her hand lingered in the air for a moment before finally settling on Boss’s back and rubbing lightly. The other woman went completely stiff but finally relaxed. Shaundi could feel the way she jerked, an indication that she was holding back something. Her emotions. Shaundi thought sadly. 

“I never wanted to be a role model. No one should look up to me and what I do.” Boss said suddenly as she picked up her head. 

“Boss, I hate to say it but you’re a public figure. People are gonna look up to you. It isn’t your fault if they make idiot choices. Parents need to parent their children instead of expecting public figures to do it.” Boss sat there for a few minutes before nodding. She could fall out of the public eye and that would keep more kids from getting the wrong idea. Shaundi could practically see the wheels in her head turning. 

“Max.” she said finally. Shaundi frowned in confusion, jerking her hand back after realizing it was still resting on her back. 

“What?” she asked. Boss chuckled and scratched at her eyebrow. 

“My name. It’s not ‘Boss’. It’s Max.” she said. Shaundi nodded to herself, facing ahead. 

“I thought you hated your name?” she asked. She didn’t know why she thought that, but she did. 

“Not at all. Just never felt like it was important to share.”

“And you do now?” Shaundi asked. Max finally looked her in the eye, watching her in a way that made Shaundi uncomfortable. Finally, she turned around and nodded. 

“Only with my friends though.” She said. She slid off the bar stool and stuffed her hands into the pockets of her sweat pants. “Thank you, Shaundi.” She said finally. Shaundi smiled at her, feeling happy at having helped but a little sad that she hadn’t fixed it. 

“Any time.” She said sincerely. Max nodded and turned to leave the room but paused at the doorway.

“…you wanna watch trashy TV?”

\--

She knew the nightmares would still come. She knew she’d always hear the sound of her gun going off and that she’d remember the way he bled. She’d remember his eyes, those eyes that haunted her. But she also knew that Shaundi had a point. Had it not been the Brotherhood, it would have been some other gang. 

Didn’t mean she couldn’t be sad that he’d died too soon. There was nothing she could do about it but try to eventually move on. She was sure it’d always be with her, that he would always be with her. But it didn’t feel as suffocating, having it off her chest. It wasn’t magically gone or anything. It would be ridiculous to expect it to be. But she felt like she could begin making peace with it. 

“Only if this place has ice cream.” Shaundi responded to her question finally. Max grinned over her shoulder and moved to the fridge, frowning when she didn’t see any. 

“And that’s a no.” she said with a frown. She turned and saw Shaundi watching her before the other woman shrugged.

“I can survive one show without it. Let’s go find something.”


End file.
